On Valentine’s Day—a holiday that celebrates love and all things romantic—the question resounds deeper than ever: What makes love last?

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are world renowned for their breakthrough research on marital stability.  Gottman’s research demonstrated that the keys to making love last are building and maintaining trust and friendship.  This may seem like a no-brainer but it’s often difficult to apply in every day real life.  Think of your relationship like it’s a bank account.  In order to maintain a positive balance, you need to make more deposits than withdrawals.  In times of stress or crisis, you may write too many checks and get overdrawn.  If you don’t quickly make a deposit, your check may bounce.  You don’t want to get overdrawn too many times.  The bank will fine you or even worse, close your account.  So keep the balance high and make regular deposits.  I had a colleague who gave me good advice once. He used to tell me, “Don’t forget to feed the meter.”

Gottman says that If both partners build habits of turning towards each other in simple everyday moments, they build bridges shaped with affection, fondness, and admiration for each other: these are the bridges of trust. The exercise below is a list of ideas for making deposits or as Gottman calls it, building bridges. They are not set in stone. Every relationship is different. You just need to remember that the connections you create will bring the two of you closer together. Practice affection, and trust will naturally follow.

Things to Do for Your Spouse:

Fix coffee, a snack, or a meal for your partner.

Wait on your partner when he or she is ill.

Compliment your partner, say thank you.

Listen. Listen. Listen.

Buy a silly gift.

Do something kind for your partner’s friends or family.

Run errands for your partner.

Call or send an email during the workday. Ask how it’s going.

Put a loving note into your partner’s pocket or purse.

Things to Do Together:

Hug. 
Kiss. 
Hold hands. 
Cuddle

Reminisce.

Take a class together.

Volunteer together.

Talk over drinks, or coffee, or tea.

Build a fire in the fireplace.

Read. Talk.
 Philosophize.

Wash the dishes: you wash, they dry.

Take a bath together.

Take a spontaneous trip to somewhere beautiful.

Plan your future. Dream.

This activity is one we found in the pages of Dr. Gottman’s The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening our Marriage, Family, and Friendships.